


Earthling Raditz AU

by Zacki_Chan



Category: Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z
Genre: But a lot of the canon is ignored, Canon will be thrown out the window at some point so prepare yourselves for that, Gen, Later I will be very self indulgent with ships, More characters and relationship tags will be added as they become relevant, Oolong isn't in this I'm sorry, Raditz centric, Raditz is 18, in this house we don't over sexualize 16 year old Bulma, so this can be considered a rewrite of Dragon Ball, will mostly follow the plot of dragon ball
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-03 18:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14575236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zacki_Chan/pseuds/Zacki_Chan
Summary: In which Raditz is sent to Earth as a kid along with Goku and joins him and Bulma on their quest for the seven dragon balls





	1. Prologue

“Hey Goku! You almost done with that wood?” Raditz called out the door to his kid brother.

“Yep! Just finished!” His brother Goku called back with a big smile on his face. “I beat it up real good!”

“Well as long as it’s chopped…”

Life had been quiet for Raditz and Goku since their adoptive guardian passed away. Raditz had very few memories of their birth family, in fact, he didn’t remember much of anything before he was 6. He vaguely remembered their mother and father- and was pretty sure their names were Gine and Bardock- but he didn’t know what happened to them that resulted in him and Goku living with the man who had adopted them- Son Gohan. Son Gohan was a kind hearted man who raised the brothers like they were his own sons, and Goku had taken to calling him Grandpa. Before his passing, he taught both Goku and Raditz martial arts. Raditz wasn’t entirely sure how Son Gohan passed away, he had been sleeping the night it happened. When he woke up he found Son Gohan’s body along with Goku passed out and naked. Since then Raditz and Goku took care of themselves, never seeing any other humans.

“Hey Raditz! I’m gonna go get us some food!” Goku called to his brother. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Alright, anything but bear, I’m getting sick of eating that every night. Get some fish.” Raditz suggested. Goku nodded and started making his way down to the river. In the meantime, Raditz tidied up their very small home. All that was in it was two beds and a dresser that had a small orange ball displayed on it with four red stars within it. The ball had belonged to Son Gohan, but Goku now seemed to believe that he was watching over them from the ball, and prayed to it every day and spoke to it as though it was Son Gohan. Raditz wasn’t sure if this was something he might have to have a talk with Goku about, but for now he just let Goku do what he wanted.

It had been almost an hour since Goku left, before Raditz heard something from outside.

“Goku?! Is that you?! Is everything okay?!” he exclaimed. He didn’t get a response, but instead head even louder sounds from down the path from their house. He sprinted down it and found a blue haired girl with her hair in a braid shooting Goku repeatedly with a shot gun from the inside of a tipped over car. “HEY LEAVE MY LITTLE BROTHER ALONE!!” Raditz yelled, jumping in front of Goku. Thankfully, the bullets didn’t leave much more than bruises.

“Raditz this monster attacked me!” Goku exclaimed. The girl, very confusedly, got out of the car with her hands up.

“I’m not a monster! And you attacked me!” She said, glaring. “It’s not my fault you stepped in front of my car- you didn’t even get hurt! You didn’t have to flip it over!” Raditz looked down at Goku sternly.

“Goku, did you flip this girl’s car?” He asked. Goku looked back up at him.

“What’s a car?” He asked. Raditz sighed. Though this was Raditz’s first time seeing a car in person, he remembered seeing them in old magazines Son Gohan would bring him back from town.

“You know what? Never mind. I’ll explain it later. Sorry about that miss.” Raditz noticed a very large fish off to the side that Goku must have caught. “How about you come back with us to the house and we’ll make you some food to make up for it.”

* * *

 

“You’re a girl?!” Goku exclaimed. The girl (who introduced herself as Bulma) nodded.

“Yeah of course I am! Can’t you tell?” She asked.

“No.” Goku replied, shaking his head.

“In all fairness, miss,” Raditz interrupted. “We haven’t seen anyone else around here for years.”

“Huh, must be quiet.” Bulma commented.

“Grandpa always told us that we’re supposed to be really nice to girls!” Goku exclaimed as they approached the house. He dropped the fish on the ground and ran into their house, leaving the door wide open.

“We’re home grandpa!” Goku called to the orange ball on the dresser. Bulma noticed said ball and her face lit up.

“Oh good my radar was right! There is a dragon ball here!” She said excitedly.

“A what?” Raditz asked. “That’s just a weird thing our late guardian owned.”

“No it’s a dragon ball! I have two of my own, see?” She explained, pulling two similar balls out of her bag. She proceeded to explain to the two brothers about the use of the dragon balls about how when all seven are together they can summon a wish granting dragon.

“I want to summon the dragon so I can wish for the perfect boyfriend!” Bulma said dreamily. Raditz shrugged.

“That’s pretty lame.” He replied. “I wouldn’t waste a wish on something like that.” Bulma pouted.

“Oh yeah, big guy? What would you wish for then?” Bulma asked. Raditz thought briefly.

“Well, I lost my memory when I was a little kid, so I’d wish for my memory back so I could know what happened to me and Goku’s parents.” He decided.

“Man, you two have really bad luck with guardians, sort of reminds me of this book series I read as a kid.” Bulma shook her head. “Anyways, any chance I could have that dragon ball of yours? Or maybe we could trade for something?” Goku grabbed the Dragon Ball in a panic and held it close to himself.

“No!” He yelled. “I won’t let you take Grandpa!” Bulma appeared very confused.

“Uh, Goku here is a little attatched to it. I don’t think you could convince him to give it up.” Bulma thought for a bit.

“Well you two don’t seem like you get out a lot, so how about you both come along with me to find the other four dragon balls and be my body guards!” She suggested.

“Actually I don’t mind that idea.” Raditz agreed. “I’ve lived up here for as long as I can remember. Goku too. It would be interesting to get to see more of the world.” He turned to Goku. “Don’t you agree?” Goku was sceptical.

“Okay- but only if she doesn’t take away grandpa!”

“Don’t worry, you can keep him.” Bulma lied. Of course, Raditz recognized she was lying, eventually the balls would be used to summon the dragon and would then scatter, but Raditz hoped by then Goku would perhaps be more ready to let go.

“Alright, we’ll be your body guards.” Raditz decided. And thus, the three started their adventure for the seven dragon balls.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raditz, Goku, and Bulma help a talking turtle get back to the ocean.

Bulma’s car had been pretty well totalled by Goku, so instead she took one of her capsules and released her motorcycle. She drove with Goku sitting on the back of it, and Raditz flying shortly behind her. Initially she was shocked by his ability of flight, but this was on the same day she met two guys with functioning monkey tails so she just decided that this was just going to be a weird kind of day. After several hours it started to get dark. Bulma pulled over and got off her motorcycle.

“Well I’m hungry, let’s camp here for the night!” She suggested. Raditz landed.

“Would you like Goku and I to go hunt for some food?” He asked. Bulma shook her head.

“That won’t be necessary, I have plenty with me!” Goku looked around the clearing they had stopped on.

“Are we going to sleep outside?” He asked. Bulma grabbed a capsule from her case and threw it onto the ground. From it sprang a dome like house- while small in size, still much bigger than the one where Goku and Raditz had lived. Goku jumped back in shock. “WITCH!” He exclaimed. “SHE’S A WITCH!”

“No I’m not, this is just capsule technology! You already saw me do it earlier!” She returned her motorcycle to its capsule and entered the house calmly. Raditz went behind her, carefully examining the surroundings.

“You really had a whole house in there?” He asked. She nodded.

“Yup!” She sat at a table, and grabbed a few more capsules from the container. From them came copious amounts of food- much fancier than Raditz and Goku were used to. “Alright guys! Dig in!” Goku grabbed a roll of bread and looked it over before taking a bite out of it.

“This isn’t real food, it’s really bland!” He complained.

“Don’t complain, Goku.” Raditz scolded. “It’s a free meal.”

“What do you guys usually eat up in the mountains?” Bulma asked. Raditz shrugged.

“A lot of bear, fish, the occasional tiger.”

“Tiger’s really good!” Goku interjected. Bulma made a face of disgust.

“That’s actually really gross- but okay.”

The three sat down and began to eat, with Goku continually bringing up how much he’d prefer to have some wolf.

“Raditz, have you ever considered cutting your hair?” Bulma asked. “I mean, at this point you’re more hair than man.”

“But I like my hair.” He objected.

“Must be a pain to wash all of it though.”

“Not really, same as washing anything else, you just hop in the river and-“

“Wait, you bathe in the river?”

“Yeah, don’t you?”

“Do you even use soap?”

“… What’s soap?” Bulma stood up abruptly.

“Oh my god you two are DISGUSTING!” She yelled. “I want you both to take a PROPER bath RIGHT NOW before you touch anything else in here!” She started pushing Raditz and Goku towards a small, white room.

“A proper bath?”

“Yes! With soap and shampoo!” She shoved them in the room, where there was a large porcelain tub. She turned a handle and water started pouring into it. “I’m not going to sit here and do everything for you cause you’re a grown ass man- I’ll fill the tub for you but everything else is your problem!” She picked up a small pick bar that smelt really good. “This, is soap.” She handed it to Raditz. He sniffed it, before attempting to put it in his mouth. “NO!” Bulma scolded. “You wash yourself with it in the water!” She picked up a bottle of similar smelling liquid and also gave it to Raditz. “This is Shampoo- DO NOT TRY TO DRINK IT. You put it in your hair and wash it out, it’ll make our hair really clean. You’re gonna have to figure everything else out yourself- I swear if you don’t come out of here clean I’ll make the two of you sleep outside!”

“That doesn’t seem that bad.” Goku commented.

“THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING!”

* * *

 

After Raditz and Goku had successfully taken their bathes, Bulma went in to take her own while she left the boys to watch some TV. They had never had a TV before, but Raditz had heard of them. Shortly, Bulma finished her own bath and came out in her pyjamas.

“So…. Why do you guys have tails?” She asked, drying her hair off with a towel. Raditz shrugged.

“I dunno, but I’m assuming most people don’t have tails?” He replied. Bulma shook her head.

“You guys are weird.” She opened a closet and pulled out a couple extra blankets and pillows, and threw them to Raditz. “Here, you guys can sleep with these.”

“Do we get beds?” Goku asked.

“Nope, only one bed and that’s mine, you guys are on the floor- and I better not catch you guys trying any funny business!”

“Yeah I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you.” Raditz told her.

“RADITZ! RADITZ LOOK!”

Raditz awoke to Goku yelling from outside of the house. Bulma was also awoken by the commotion.

“What is he yelling about?!” She asked, rubbing her eyes. Raditz went outside and found Goku holding a large sea turtle.

“Look! I found a talking turtle!” Goku exclaimed.

“I’m sorry, I got a little lost.” The turtle said. Raditz’s eyes widened.

“Huh, well would you look at that.”

“I’m trying to get back to the ocean, but there’s a lot of dangerous things out and about around here.” The turtle explained. “Could you two help me out?”

“Raditz can we pleeeeeeease?” Goku begged. Raditz sighed.

“Yeah sure, just let me go get Bulma.” Raditz popped back into the house. “Hey Bulma, Goku found a talking turtle and we’re going to help him get back to the ocean. Wanna come with us?” Bulma’s eyes widened.

“What?! But you guys are supposed to be my body guards!” She exclaimed.

“Well yeah that’s why I asked you if you wanted to come- besides, maybe if we help him he can help us find some dragon balls.” Bulma groaned.

“Fine! I’ll come! But this better be worth it.”

* * *

 

The trio managed to get the turtle to the ocean with relative ease- excusing a brief encounter with an anthromorphic bear who was craving some turtle and was dispatched of very easily.

“Thank you so very much!” The turtle said ecstatically as he rushed into the water. “If you’ll just give me a moment, I’ll go fetch my friend who can reward you.” He swiftly swam away. Bulma huffed annoyedly.

“He better actually come back…” She muttered.

“Wow that’s a really wide river! I can’t even see the other side of it!” Goku said excitedly, rushing into the water. He proceeded to attempt to drink some of the water, before making a face. “Gross! It’s all salty!”

“Yeah no I wouldn’t drink that if I were you, kid.” Bulma said, sitting down in the sand. “I swear, that turtle BETTER come back, and he better have something good!”

“We’ll give him a bit, I’m sure he will.” Raditz said, sitting next to her.

About an hour passed before the turtle came back, Bulma and Raditz had started building sand castles with Goku. When the turtle returned, he did so with a short old man standing on his back.

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” The turtle greeted, the old man hopping off his back.

“Hello! I’m Master Roshi, the turtle hermit.” The old man introduced. “So you were the ones who helped my friend?” he turned to the turtle. “Did all three of them help you?” The turtle shook his head.

“Not really, only the two boys. The girl mostly complained.” He said. Bulma pouted.

“I did not!” She objected.

“Well boys! I owe you one!” Roshi declared. “I could make you immortal- but unfortunately there was an accident with the immortal phoenix and he’s no longer with us so that won’t work, but I think I have something better!”

“What’s that?” Goku asked.

“Come to me! Flying Nimbus!” The man called. A golden cloud shot down from the sky and towards him, stopping in front of them. “This is the Flying Nimbus, and I’m giving it to you.”

“How do you eat it?” Goku asked.

“You don’t eat a magical cloud!” Roshi scolded. “You ride on it!”

“Why do you even have something like this? Where did you get it?” Bulma asked.

“Mind your own business- Anyways, the cloud only works for those who are pure of heart- you simply jump on it and-“ Roshi attempted to demonstrate, but proceeded to fall right through the cloud. “…. My bad, it would appear it is defective…” Goku then proceeded to jump on it with no problems.

“Hey it works fine!” He yelled, he then proceeded to make it zip around the area at alarming speeds.

“Goku! Be careful!” Raditz yelled after him, but Goku payed little attention to his brother.

“Hey! I want something cool too!” Bulma exclaimed. Roshi turned to the turtle.

“You said this girl didn’t help you, right?”

“No sir she did not.” The turtle replied. Bulma glared at him.

“Well- I only have one magic cloud, but I suppose if you do something for me I could find something you’d want-“

“Wait.” Raditz interjected. “You still haven’t given me anything, so just give her my reward instead.”

“Are you sure there lad?” Roshi asked. Raditz shrugged.

“It’s fine. I don’t need any flying devices I can do it fine on my own.” Roshi thought briefly.

“Alright then…. Well I’ll be honest I’m not sure if I have anything you’d be interested in, girl.” Bulma noticed the large charm hanging from Roshi’s necklace… It was a dragon ball.

“Hey can I have your necklace?!” Bulma exclaimed. Roshi seemed surprised.

“Oh this old thing? Sure. I just found it while sweeping the ocean floor about a hundred years ago. Pretty, isn’t it?” Roshi handed her the necklace with the dragon ball.

“Alright! We’ve got the three star dragon ball!” Bulma declared. “I knew helping this turtle would turn out to be worth it!” Raditz rolled his eyes.

“Yeah sure you did….”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this update was pretty quick- but I won't be updating as often when theres more chapters out, I just want to get more stuff in this before I start taking multiple week long breaks from writing it like I do with my other continuing story.  
> And yeah, you may have noticed I'm avoiding some of the more- uh- questionable parts of Dragon Ball. Yeeeaaaah like i said in this house we don't sexualize 16 year old Bulma even for comedic purposes.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio have a run in with a desert bandit with oddly specific social anxiety.

“Great…. Now I’m craving pork. Thanks Bulma.” Raditz groaned.

The three had had a brief encounter with a shapeshifting “monster” who had been kidnapping young girls in a village to be his wives. The monster turned out just to be an anthromorphic pig with limited transformation abilities, but overall the experience more or less left everyone feeling uncomfortable- but they walked away from it with another dragon ball so it had been worth it. Now the trio were making their way in a boat down the river on their way to Frypan Mountain in search of the last two dragon balls.

“I wasn’t going to just let you two eat him.” Bulma protested.

“Why not? I thought that’s why you wanted to bring him with us?”

“No, I thought we could use his transformation abilities- Like I’d let you eat something that talks!”

“Please, lots of food talks. Just because you can’t understand it doesn’t mean it doesn’t talk.” Raditz argued. “Besides, he was a pedophile, no one would miss him.”

“Look I don’t care if he was trying to marry underage girls I still don’t feel comfortable just eating a person!” Bulma objected.

“Yet you were comfortable bringing someone you could classify as a sex offender with us- very telling, Bulma.” Raditz muttered. “…. Not like he’d talk while we were eating him.”

“I’m not arguing about this anymore! I swear this whole conversation has made me want to be a vegetarian!” Bulma groaned.

“What’s a vegetarian?” Goku asked.

“A person with very boring tastes.” Raditz replied.

“Oh come on- it’s good for you!” Bulma objected. Raditz rolled his eyes.

“Life without meat is not a life worth living.”

The boat engine sputtered, before stopping completely.

“Oh come on!” Bulma exclaimed. “We’re out of gas…. Great.”

“Do you think that pig guy could have turned into gas for us?” Goku commented.

“I’m going to go ahead and say no.” Raditz replied.

“Crap… We need to get to shore so I can get a gas capsule out.” Bulma exclaimed. “…. I don’t know how we’re going to do that though, this boat doesn’t have any oars….” Bulma thought briefly. Raditz groaned loudly.

“Fine! I guess I could just carry us back to shore.” He half-heartedly offered. Bulma gave him a look.

“Look, I know you’re buff and everything, but I seriously doubt you could pick up this boat with us all in it.” Raditz huffed annoyedly.

“Would you rather try and swim?” He asked. Bulma sighed.

“Fine, if you want to try, go ahead. I won’t stop you.” Raditz stood up flew behind the boat. He started to pick up from the back, tipping it forward slightly in the water.

“Hey! Watch it!” Bulma scolded. Raditz ignored her, as he hoisted the boat up over his head, and flew up so he was hovering over the water.

“…. I stand corrected!” Bulma exclaimed. “Alright big guy, take us to shore!”

After a short while, they came to the shore, and Raditz set the boat down on land. Bulma and Goku hopped out.

“Well colour me impressed, Raditz! I should just have you carry us the rest of the way!”  Bulma jokingly suggested. Raditz shook his head.

“Yeah, I’d rather not.”

“Yeah yeah well luckily we don’t have to because I still have my capsules…” She rummaged through her pockets. “….. Um….” She looked around the ground in a panic.

“What’s wrong?” Goku asked. Bulma went pale.

“…. My capsules are gone.”

“Where’d they go?”

“I must have dropped them in the river- oh no we’re SCREWED!” Bulma screamed.

“We’re just going to have to keep going on foot.” Raditz said. “Come on, let’s keep going.”

“On foot?!” Bulma exclaimed. “But that’s going to be exhausting! Can’t you just carry me the way?”

“In theory, but-“ Raditz started.

“You’re too fat!” Goku interrupted.

“SHUT UP YOU LITTLE TWERP!” Bulma screamed.

“I was going to say I don’t want to, but alright.” Raditz finished. “Look if it makes you feel better I won’t fly I’ll walk with you.”

“Hey wait! Goku has that flying cloud thing!” Bulma remembered. “I can just ride on that with him!”

“I dunno, only the pure of heart can use that….”

“Are you suggesting I’m not?”

“Well you are in the market for a wish that’ll give you a perfect boyfriend so….” Bulma pouted.

“I’ll show you- Goku summon your cloud thing!”

Goku did as he was told, and Bulma attempted to climb on it, only to fall through.

“See?” Raditz commented. “What did I say?”

“FINE! I’LL WALK! BUT ONLY IF NO ONE HERE FLIES!”

* * *

 

Hours into the walk, the trio started making their way through a desert- and Bulma was already exhausted, walking several feet behind the two brothers.

“Come on! If I have to walk I want to walk fast!” Goku shouted at her.

“Oh come on! I’m a city girl, I’m not like you two feral mountain boys!” She panted. “YEESH! I never knew there was so much desert- there’s no real way around it to get to Frypan Mountain either…” She then proceeded to collapse on the ground near some tall rock formations. “THAT’S IT! NOT ANOTHER STEP TODAY!” She exclaimed. Raditz sighed.

“Alright, I guess we can sleep out here for the night then.” He said.

“Sleep outside?!” Bulma looked around frantically. “No hotels…. No Inns….” She paused, before bursting into tears. “I’M HUNGRY! I NEED A BATH! I CAN’T SLEEP WITH OUT A BEH-HEH-ED!!!” She bawled, throwing a tantrum and slamming her fists against the ground briefly, before passing out entirely behind the rock formation. Raditz held back a laugh.

“What was that last part about the bed?” Goku asked.

“Well she certainly is dramatic….” Raditz chuckled. “Alright Goku let’s take a rest too.”

“But I’m hungry….”

Unbeknownst to any of them, they were being watched by a small navy blue cat with a spy glass.

* * *

 

“Yamcha! We’ve got some game!” The cat named Puar called, jumping back through the window into the hideout. Yamcha, a teenage boy with long black hair, turned in his seat to face him.

“Really? Huh, this’ll be our first catch in a long while then.” He commented, getting up. He climbed up through the window and grabbed the spy glass, getting a good look at the pair Puar had spotted. “A man and a kid, huh? I dunno, that guy’s pretty big he could be trouble… I like his hair though.”

“Don’t start crushing on the game!!” Puar scolded. Yamcha scoffed.

“Oh please, Puar, don’t start with that.”

“You think the guy’s hot, don’t you?!”

“I can barely see his face from here but I won’t lie he does look pretty good, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that!”

“You don’t want to rob them because you think he’s hot!”

“No, I don’t want to rob them because I think he’ll kick my ASS! Besides it doesn’t look like they’re carrying much money wise.”

“But they could have some capsules we could sell!” Yamcha groaned.

“Fine! Fine! Let’s go, but if I get maimed it’s your fault!”

* * *

 

Raditz and Goku awoke to the sound of a speeder coming towards them.

“What the…?” Goku mumbled, him and Raditz standing up. The speeder pulled over in front of them, with the long haired boy and the cat on it.

“Greetings!” The boy announced, making eye contact more with Goku than Raditz.

“Who are you?” Raditz asked, already annoyed. “Or do I want to know?” The boy briefly glanced at Raditz’s face before looking back down.

“Oh me? My name is Yamcha, the-“

“Okay that’s all I need, I don’t care anymore.” Raditz stopped him. “You woke me up from what was a quite enjoyable sleep so I’ll have you know you already have me in a bad mood so I swear if you don’t have something important to say you better make yourself scarce real fast.”

“Alright I’ll cut to the chase- Look. I’m a bandit. I don’t really tend to target kids or people traveling with kids- but let’s make this nice and easy. You give me all your cash and capsules and I’ll let you leave this desert alive.” Yamcha threatened, his hand on the hilt of his sword. Raditz scoffed.

“Oh? You think you’re going to kill us?” He asked, chuckling. “Look, we don’t have either of those things- but now you’ve really pissed me off, so how about you give us your speeder and we’ll let YOU leave this desert alive.” Yamcha was visibly shaking, but held his confident expression, as he pulled his sword from its sheath.

“Well… If you two are THAT eager to see heaven… I guess I could help you out-“ Yamcha could barely finish his sentence before Raditz punched him in the face, sending him flying several feet back.

“Last chance pal, back off or this is where it ends for you!” Raditz threatened. Goku went over to Bulma and poked her arm.

“Hey Bulma? Someone’s trying to rob us. I’m not sure how you’re sleeping through this- you’re almost as bad as my brother.” He said as he attempted to wake her. Yamcha picked himself up off the ground.

“Alright big guy, you’re strong, I’ll give you that!” He said. “But don’t think that you’ve deterred me in the slightest!”

“God you’re annoying.” Raditz muttered. “Goku, hit him with your stick thing.” Goku pulled the red rod he had been carrying around from its sling on his back.

“Grow, stick, grow!” He shouted. The staff grew at an alarming speed, jamming Yamcha sharply in the ribs, knocking him over again.

“What?!” Yamcha exclaimed. “Boy, where’d you get that staff?!” He yelled.

“Oh this? Our dead grandpa gave me it!”

“Goku you don’t have to humor him, he’s just trying to buy himself some time.” Raditz told his little brother.

“What?! What was your grandfather’s name?!” Yamcha asked. Raditz rolled his eyes.

“Goku, don’t-“

“Son Gohan.” Goku answered. Raditz groaned. Yamcha collected himself once more.

“I had heard that Son Gohan was unrivaled in martial arts disciplines- but not that he had grandchildren…” He said.

“Well to be fair we just kind of called him grandpa, he was really more of an adoptive dad…” Raditz muttered. “Still quite frankly that’s none of your business.”

“Well, now I know not to let me guard down with you two.” Yamcha took a battle stance. “Time to get serious…. WOLF FANG FIST!” Yamcha launched himself at Raditz only to be intercepted by Goku, who Yamcha promptly launched into a distant rock formation.

“Oh real brave!” Raditz yelled angrily. “Look at the big tough desert bandit beating up a 12 year old! I’m real impressed!”

“Well to fair I was going for you…” Yamcha admitted, while he was distracted Raditz rushed him and punched him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

“God, you’re not just annoying, you’re dumb too.” Raditz remarked, he went to throw another punch, but then-

“Come on Yamcha! You can do it!” The cat called. Raditz made a face.

“Is that cat… Flying?” He remarked to himself. Yamcha, in a panic, picked his sword up off the ground and swung it aimlessly, missing Raditz’s torso, but slicing off his tail. Raditz shriek, falling back.

“WHAT THE HELL?!?!? YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU CUT OFF MY TAIL!! I’LL KILL YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH I SWEAR I’LL F-“ Raditz’s screams were interrupted  by Goku launching himself into Yamcha, knocking him down again.

“Raditz are you okay?” Goku asked, then noticing Raditz’s tail on the ground. His eyes widened. “OH MY GOD YOUR TAIL!!!” He shrieked.

“Huh? What’s going on?” Bulma snapped awake, sitting right up. “What’s all the commotion about?” Yamcha was about to attack Goku and Raditz again, when he noticed her and stopped dead in his tracks. “… Hello? Who’re you?” Yamcha proceeded to fall over backwards. The cat rushed to his aid.

“Yamcha!” He exclaimed. Yamcha sat up again.

“Puar! It’s time for a strategic retreat!” They rushed to their speeder and began driving away. “We’ll be back! Just you wait and see! We’ll get those capsules!” He yelled as they disappeared in the distance.

“Wow what a babe!” Bulma exclaimed. “Did you get his number? I wouldn’t mind seeing him again!” Bulma then noticed Raditz shaking and bleeding from his lower back. “…. Raditz are you okay?”

“HE CUT OFF MY TAIL! ALL FOR SOME BLOODY CAPSULES WE DON’T HAVE!” Raditz yelled. Goku looked off to the side.

“Actually….” Bulma glared at him.

“Goku…. Do you have a capsule?!” She exclaimed. Goku pulled a small capsule from his pocket.

“It’s not really mine though the pig guy dropped it.” He explained. Bulma took the capsule from him and activated it, it was a mobile home. Bulma gritted her teeth. “WE COULD HAVE REALLY USED THIS EARLIER YOU BRAT!”

* * *

 

“God… Why did there have to be a GIRL!” Yamcha said, still shaking.

“You know, Yamcha, I do wish you’d talk to someone about this…” Puar commented.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah no Oolong isn't in this. I already didn't like him but rereading Dragon Ball has reminded me of how awful he really is. Like I said I'm avoiding all the stuff that involves the sexualization of kids and Oolong is responcible for a lot of that and over all he doesn't contribute too much to the plot (or at least he doesn't do anything that no one else could have) so he's just not going to be in this. I'm not going to argue with people about this, I wouldn't think there'd be any Oolong stans out there, but yeah he's just kind of horrible and straight up drugged Bulma so yeah. None of that. Skipping right to Yamcha. 
> 
> I hope no ones bothered too much by the noticable canon divergencies- but I mean this is a fanfiction stuffs gonna change.   
> Anyways- this was a really long chapter. I was gonna make it to include all the stuff that happened in the desert but it was already pretty long so-  
> Until next time!


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha gets beat up again.

The night falls, and the trio is yet to see any signs of the desert bandits again. They sat in the mobile home eating food they had found inside it.

“Yeesh. How come you two eat so much?” Bulma asked.

“Because we’re hungry.” Goku replied.

“This place is so small. The bathroom doesn’t even have a bath tub in it, it’s just a shower.” Bulma complained. “I can’t believe this- I’m going to have a shower. I better not catch either of you peaking!”

“Yeah I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you.” Raditz said dismissively.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Yamcha and Puar stalked the mobile home from outside.

“I knew they had capsules!” Yamcha exclaimed. “I wonder what else they have with them…?”

“Alright but how are we going to get anything if you can’t even look at the girl?” Puar asked.

“Well you’re just going to have to lure her away from the others, then I’ll get in there and rob them while they’re sleeping! It’s a flawless plan!”

“If you say so-“

“ALRIGHT! SURVAILENCE TIME!” The two darted over to the side of the vehicle and ducked under a window. Running water and a woman humming could be heard inside. “I think that’s her-“ Yamcha started to pop his head up to look through the window before Puar stopped him.

“Don’t be stupid! I think she’s taking a shower!” He said. Yamcha blushed.

“O-oh….”

“Do you think these things really grant wishes, Raditz?” The little boy could be heard saying.

“Great- the other two are still awake…” Yamcha muttered, darting over to the window the two were sitting next to.

“Eh, I don’t know. I’m just gonna take the girl’s word on this one.” The older boy, Raditz said to the younger one. “We’ll know soon enough though, just two more and we’ll have all seven.”

“You should wish for your tail back!” The younger one suggested. Raditz glared at him.

“Don’t remind me, I’ve been trying not to think about that…”

“Did you hear that?! They’ve got something that can grant wishes!” Yamcha exclaimed. “We’ve got to get our hands on those! I could use them to wish away my fear of women!”

“No offense, but that seems like a waste of a wish….” Puar muttered.

“Nonsense! If I get rid of my fear of women I can finally fulfil my dream of getting married and starting a family!”

“You do know they passed some laws and now you can marry another man, right?”

“… Well you can’t have kids-“

“Adoption.”

“…. Huh…” Yamcha thought briefly. “Wait- what am I doing- I LIKE WOMEN PUAR! WOMEN! GIRLS! LADIES!”

“Alright Yamcha but just so you know I’ll support you no matter what….” Puar promised.

“Look, we just have to wait until the two guys fall asleep, then you’re gonna lure the girl out of there, and I’m gonna go in and rob them blind! Got it?”

“Yes sir!”

“God there’s no clothes in here that fit me they’re all too small! I don’t have anything to sleep in!” Bulma complained.

“Just sleep naked then.” Raditz said dismissively. Bulma glared at him.

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you?!” She said angrily. “Fine! But I SWEAR, if I catch you trying to look at me I’ll maim you!”

“Again, I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you, but okay.” Raditz said. Bulma then went up to the upper part of the mobile home to go to sleep. Raditz yawned.

“Alright Goku, you should probably get some sleep too.”

“What about you?” Goku asked.

“I’m going to stay up and keep watch for that Yam guy and make sure he doesn’t try anything, don’t worry about it.”

“Alright, if you say so…”

Hours passed and Raditz felt himself nodding off. He closed his eyes just for a moment, before he heard the clicking of a key in the door, and the door opening.

 _Well…. There he is…_ He thought to himself. _Not sure where he got the key… But it’ll be more to my advantage if I pretend to be asleep until he comes closer_. He decided, smirking slightly but keeping his eyes closed. Yamcha burst into the vehicle, and looked around frantically.

“Alright, Puar, they’re asleep!” He whispered. “Alright, so you take the form of that little boy and go lure the girl out!” Puar proceeded to turn into a child who looked very roughly like Goku.

“How’s this?” Puar asked. Yamcha nodded.

“Perfect. Just perfect.” Yamcha said. “Okay, now you go get her out of here…” Yamcha said, standing just close enough to Raditz, who proceeded to grab Yamcha by his ankle.

“Oh why hello there!” Raditz said, sneering. Yamcha could barely comprehend what was going on before he was promptly lifted up and thrown into the wall, leaving a large dent.

“Shit-“ Yamcha cursed, before Raditz grabbed him by his neck.

“Now, I do believe that I have some revenge to get for my tail-“

“What the HELL is going on?!?!” Bulma shrieked as she ran down the stairs, in nothing but a towel. Yamcha saw her and went into a daze. Bulma’s stern face softened.

“Oh! You came back!” Bulma lost grip of her towel, it dropping slightly down her chest slightly, her catching it before anything could really be exposed. At this point Yamcha got loose of Raditz’s grip and fled out the door.

“PUAR! RETREAT AGAAAAAAIN!!!!” He screamed. Puar followed shortly behind him.

“What was that all about?” Bulma asked. Raditz made a face.

“God dammit Bulma, no one wants to see your gross chest lumps.”

“Huh? What’s going on?” Goku asked, snapping awake. Raditz sighed.

“Don’t worry about it it’s dealt with- look everyone just go back to sleep I’ll keep watch for the night!” He instructed.

“Oh, get that boys number if he comes back!” Bulma exclaimed gleefully.

“Bulma…. N o.”

* * *

 

It was a long night for Raditz, waiting for Yamcha to try anything again. By the time morning comes around, he’s about ready to pass out.

“Morning, Raditz.” Bulma greeted, coming down the stairs. “How are you?”

“Tired.” He replied.

“Great. Well, do you think you could drive this thing for a bit while I get ready?” She asked.

“I’ve never driven anything before in my life. If I drive this thing, we’re gonna die.” Bulma rolled her eyes.

“Fine, I’ll be quick. I’m going to try and find some sort of thing I could make work as clothes. Then I’ll drive.” She said, storming back upstairs. Shortly, Goku woke up, and without a word started going through the pantry and eating everything he could get a hold of.

“Hey! You stop that!” Raditz scolded. “Leave some for the rest of us!”

“But I’m huuuuungry!” Goku retorted.

“We’re all hungry! Knock it off!” Goku pouted.

“Sheesh. You sure are grumpy when you don’t sleep.”

“RADITZ! THIS IS HORRIBLE!” Bulma shrieked, rushing down the stairs in a skimpy bunny suit of yet to be known origins. “This is all that damn pig has that fits me! It’s awful!”

“Well it sure doesn’t cover much…” Raditz replied, yawning.

“If you don’t like it, why’d you put it on?” Goku asked. Bulma crossed her arms angrily.

“Like I was going to just put back on my dirty clothes from yesterday!”

“But me and Raditz wear the same clothes every day.”

“Yes and you’re both DISGUSTING! I’m not like you two!” She sat down in the driver’s seat of the mobile home, angrily. “Let’s just get to the next town and quick, I need to find something actually presentable to wear!”

They had only been driving for about ten minutes before Yamcha could be spotted out the window, driving in a small car and armed with some sort of bazooka.

“Great, what does he want?” Raditz muttered. “Hey Bulma, you might want to go a little bit faster.”

“Ooo look the handsome boy came back!” Bulma exclaimed! “Maybe we should pull over-“ Raditz then noticed Yamcha was aiming said bazooka at one of the front tires of the vehicle.

“Bulma I’m serious stEP ON It-“ Yamcha fired the bazooka, striking the side of the vehicle and launching Bulma out of her seat, effectively knocking her out. “GOD DAMMIT!” Raditz screamed. “I SWEAR THAT’S IT I’M KILLING THIS KID!” Goku and Raditz exited the mobile home, preparing for a fight.

“Alright, give me those wish thing-a-ma-jigs and nobody gets hurt!” Yamcha threatened.

“We aren’t giving you nothing!” Goku retorted, sticking his tongue out. Raditz found himself a little uneven on his feet, more than likely because of the loss of his tail.

“Sounds like somebody wants another taste of my Wolf Fang Fist!” Yamcha exclaimed. Raditz groaned.

“God you’re so annoying- you’re like a bug, why can’t you just learn to go away?!” He said, before throwing himself at Yamcha. His attacks weren’t nearly as quick of precise as they had been the day before, with him still getting used to balancing without his tail. Yamcha briefly thought he might have the upper hand- until Goku jumped up from behind Raditz and kicked him in the face, knocking him over. Puar rushed to his aid.

“Sir! Your tooth!” Puar exclaimed, turning into a mirror for Yamcha to see. Goku had knocked one of Yamcha’s front teeth out. Yamcha was in shock.

“NO NOT MY TOOTH!!!!” He screamed. “MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! YOU’VE RUINED IT! JUST YOU WAIT! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!” Once again, he and Puar fled.

“He sure does like to run.” Goku commented.

“Yeah well he needs to stop picking fights he can’t win. He got off easy if you ask me.” Raditz muttered. He looked over the wreckage that was formerly the mobile home. “Well… Looks like we’re walking.”

“Bulma won’t be too happy about that.”

“No… No she won’t.”

* * *

 

Raditz carried Bulma for several miles, her still not having have woken up.

“Well at least she’s not too heavy.” Raditz muttered.

“When she wakes up she’s gonna start complaining though.” Just then Yamcha drove up beside them with a  big smile on his face.

“Hey guys- sorry about earlier. My bad! Anyways, here’s a car to make up for it! I promise I’ll leave you guys alone now! Bye!” he threw a capsule onto the ground, letting out a small car, before leaving.

“Well that’s convenient!” Goku commented.

“A little too convenient...” Raditz said suspiciously, looking it over. “Well it doesn’t look suspicious…. Maybe he’s just trying to butter us up so we don’t kill him?”

“Oh well! Bulma won’t complain anymore!”

“Yeah, I guess. We just need her to wake up and drive this thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for all your support. I'm a little bummed oout at the moment cause I didn't get accepted to the university program I wanted. But I'm very happy to see that this is actually getting some attention.   
> Until next time!

**Author's Note:**

> A year ago (maybe 2 years now?) I saw art of an AU where Raditz grew up on earth with Goku and I really liked that so I decided to start writing my own take on that. This thing will span throughout the entirity of Dragon Ball- provided I don't lose motivation. Fair warning I'm gonna chuck a lot of canon out the window. Also there will be at least a couple ships that didn't happen in Dragon Ball canon but hey, this is a fanfiction after all. Also I have at least one OC that will eventually show up but not for a long time so don't worry about that for now.  
> I hope you guys enjoy it so far, and if you have any ideas to add leave them in the comments, I'd be interested to hear them.   
> Until next time!


End file.
